Sex Lives chronicles the evolution of one person's sexual history. This week: Sawyer, 30, New York City
The first time I had sex I was a junior in high school. This girl was house-sitting the house next to her parents’ house, so we snuck out and I walked the long way around the block to sneak into the house next door. I was raised super religious: Baptist church every Sunday, youth group every Wednesday, so I couldn’t really believe I was doing all of this. I remember driving home—I had gotten a bunch of condoms and I threw them all out the window. I was like, “I’m never having sex again. What did I do?” I had sex before I even got a blow job. She’d given me a couple of hand jobs. But I don’t remember even seeing her vagina—it was all under the covers.
The first nudes I ever got were from a pregnant girl. It was a girl in high school who had transferred schools and got pregnant and she wasn’t with the guy anymore and she sent them to me. I’ve kind of always had a weird thing for pregnant women and one day I kind of put it all together that the first time I ever saw a naked woman— well someone I knew— it was a pregnant woman. I’ve never had sex with someone pregnant, though.
I figured out I was bi in the last year and a half. Right before the pandemic, I got out of a relationship. I cheated on the girl. I was just… I wasn’t satisfied. She was great but it was long distance, and so I was like let me just do this for sex and then it didn’t solve anything and I realized I still wasn’t happy. It came up one night. She asked and I was like, “Yeah I cheated on you.” And that was that. I was talking to my friend about it and he was like, “Dude, that’s not like you at all.”
I was watching porn one night and I was living alone in the pandemic and freshly single and then boom: Somehow I ended up on bi porn and I was like, “Actually I don’t hate this.” But like I didn’t really know what that meant. Before I came out, I was able to be like yeah, he's an attractive guy. Like there was no internalized homophobia or that sort of thing. I just don't think I ever like truly gave myself the space to think about it.
My best friend Talia came out at 30 and realized she liked girls, or that she always had but hadn’t pieced it together. I remember calling her being like, “Talia, I watched bi porn and I’m kind of into it.” And then there was just a lot of watching, starting with two guys threesome porn, then bi porn. But then I just met a girl and kind of put it away. It was never something I personally wanted to do, it was more like conceptually cool. And if I was in a scenario where that happened? I wouldn’t necessarily say no, but I wasn’t actively searching it out. Anyway, in the middle of a relationship, I came out to my partner and she was like, “I kind of knew.” After that, we’d watch bi porn together and she was very supportive of me figuring it out. At that point I hadn’t done anything yet. And then we went on a break. Then, like a year ago, I started hooking up with guys. I had an orgy. I did all these things and then I kind of hit a weird point where I just needed to get away and I went to Paris for three months and I was abstinent. It was the longest I’d gone without having sex with someone for a while.
I had one relationship in college. I took her virginity and then in the middle of the relationship we stopped having sex for like a year and half. Her grandma died and that was kind of the reason, I think. I think there were still things from my religious upbringing that made me feel like we should stay together, like I didn’t need sex. Like we’d just stay together and get married young. And then I got out of college and moved and we were long distance and one day I just realized I didn’t love her anymore.
When I didn’t have sex with her for a year and a half, I did have sex with this other girl twice in the middle of that. But to me, that’s like no harm no foul. I’ve never really thought about it. It was the first time I understood that for me sex can be two things. Like sex as sport and then sex as intimacy. And that was the first time where I just had sex as sport. Like there was nothing more to it for me or for the other girl. I just went back to my life. And there was no need to tell my girlfriend. So I don’t know. I wasn’t emotionally mature at that age.
I'm currently single and sleeping around. I think I’m more bisexual than biromantic. I tend to hook up with guys. I guess, for me guys are more of a mood thing. If the right guy came along, I would definitely be open to having a boyfriend, but it’s not necessarily at the top of my mind. It’s like a fun little side quest, if that makes sense. I think right now, I have sex with girls more and I like to repeat, but I think I’ve hooked up with a higher number of guys this year. I’m a top, but I enjoy giving head. But only if his dick is big. Like, no hate either way, but like if I'm gonna do it I want a challenge a little bit.
Right after I started getting on Grindr, I had a match pop up and he was super close. The app said 35 feet or something. So I was like, “Damn you gotta come over and take care of this.” I live on the sixth floor of a building and I have two windows in my office looking out, so when I sit at my desk, I can see into other buildings and I looked at the photos again and I realized it was this guy I see smoking on his balcony all the time. So I messaged him like, “I think you’re the guy I see smoking all the time.” And he was like “Oh my god.” And I was like “Go to your window and jerk off.” And he was like, “Only if you do.” So we jerk off in front of each other, but like through windows from our respective apartment buildings. I see him smoking all the time. He obviously sees me in my room, because it’s my office where I spend all day.
Grindr stories are crazy. One time I got stuck in an airport in Portugal for 13 hours and I was like, how am I going to kill 13 hours? And then I’m like, Oh I could get my dick sucked right now. So what did I do to split up the day? I got my dick sucked. No words were spoken. He walked in, pulled my pants down, gave me head and then I finished and walked out.
